thoughts a few days back:
don’t rush me into anything. don’t rush me into being friends. don’t even rush me into being civil with you. don’t rush me now as you’ve rushed everything in the 2 or so years we were together. if you’re happy now as you have wanted to be, then stay in that place. don’t try to drag my son or me into that chaotic world that is yours. no. someday, and i’m not saying it’s too far away, someday you will be welcome into our worlds again. just don’t rush anymore. it’s time to be adults. so don’t mention rights and don’t say unfair. don’t say you lose as if you did. nobody lost, nobody won. what rights you think you have aren’t rights but privileges you need earn. there are things that adults need to earn you know, like trust, like respect, like being dad. you don’t become dad by providing genes. you don’t become dad by providing money. i hope you actually understand that now.
it’s past 1am, i am awake and my nose is itchy and runny, and i just can’t seem to will my brain cells to rest again… the only good thing i can be thankful for is that at least in moments like this i am not obssessing about the past. not anymore. so this insomnia thing is a lot more bearable. although, the thought that in 4-5 hours i should be preparing for work already isn’t really comforting.
earlier today, i had a pediatric patient with viral exanthems most probably varicella aka chicken pox. and of course the mother failed to mention the rashes (more of vesicles actually) right away; the chief complaint being fever. so the kid-in-me-who-never-had-chickenpox-and-hasn’t-had-the-vaccine-yet was freaking out deep inside when i realized what it was! i had to maintain composure though and just had to hurry giving the prescription and medical advice. thanks to the great ladies at the triage area who didn’t notice(?) or warn me. incubation period is at around 2 weeks…and i’d be in an out of town medical seminar at that time… GOOD LUCK.
Moving on from a nasty break up with a cheating husband was not as easy as other people make it seem to be. It was brutal and painful and embarrassing and painful over and over again. But yesterday, after months and months of wallowing in what seemed like a never ending ocean of misery (duh.), i felt free. and happy. and content. and i really do feel like i am finally moving on. *clap clap clap*
But, because of what happened to my what-seemed-like-a-perfectly-happy-marriage, I am also fearful that this thing that I have now, this happiness, may also end… One day. Because of who-knows-why.
They say that life is a beautiful struggle. I somehow believe that now. So if this will again be taken away, I must be strong enough and patient enough to once again search for and wait for it to come into my life, into my soul… once again.
I am presently reading the first installment of the Lorien Legacies by Pittacus Lore (collective psuedonym of James Frey and Jobie Hughes). Great book. So far.