“There’s an eno…

“There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family.” – Nicole Kidman

I read this somewhere in the net, and I can’t help but agree to it. So I posted it in my facebook timeline, like I usually do with other good lines I see here and there. After a few hours, several people have liked it. And with each like my post got, the enormity of the situation I am in – that is, being a single mom – just hits me heavier and heavier. Suddenly I find myself crying and – guess what – wanting to be wrapped in that big hug my ex used to give me before. Him of all people, because he is supposed to be my co-parent, he did promise to “protect” us.

I am an only child, I pretty much grew up alone and independently, not having to care about anyone else. But having a child just changes that. Someone is entirely dependent on me. When he left me, when he said he didn’t love me anymore, when I found out he was cheating, all that I was feeling then were the pain, the frustrations, the hate, the shame. Then when I was starting to get back up, when I was happy again, all I was thinking was I can do this, I am strong enough, I have always been alone anyway- raising a child alone should be within my capabilities.

Then tonight and that line. And the truth behind it. The truth around it.

Whew.

That enormous amount I need to give up, have given up, will be giving up…………. and I am scared. What if I can’t do it?

Of course, someday when my anger has subsided and I can face him again, we will co-parent. But right now, at this very moment, I am so scared. And I can’t help but find myself wanting him here with me, reassuring me that things will be okay, because “he will protect us”.

So, since he is but a bag of lies and immaturity….I pray to God. And I pray not for Him to make my life easy, but that I will have enough strength to face the future with my head held high and my dignity intact, that I do not forget the lessons I have learned last year and early this year, that I will have the guidance of my elders when it comes to raising my son, that I stop resenting my ex. All of this really is all up to HIM.

There…..I feel better. I can go back to watching Project Runway finale. 🙂

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Home at Last

At last, we’re back home. And I lalalalove it. I so love the peace and quiet here compared to the hustle and bustle of the big city. The little man is asleep early, another thing to be thankful for after such a long day.

And now there so many things for me to do. Upload, download, plan, build, cook, arrange, clean, and so on and so forth. But, of course, tomorrow is a workday. Whew.

Life goes on. Life goes on. And I thank God for it.

 

Girly Thoughts

All the time I was here, there has been this guy that I have been crushing on. He’s not as smart as I wish he were, but… damn, he looks good. I bet he is good in a lot of other things not related to medicine and public management. LOL. But but but. That’s as far as I get. He knows I have a kid. He thinks I’m still married.

Well, my peace and quiet and secretly-crushing-bliss is kinda shattered when I overheard one of the pretty girls telling her friends that she likes him! And she was bragging how she got to flirt with him last night, thanks to some sips of alcohol. You go girl. Argh. Pretty girls get the cute guys. They always do. Not.

I married a really cute guy. Not pretty girl got a cute guy. He married her even. Though in the end he found a really pretty older girl. Wapak! Same story, I guess.

This still-married woman is ranting about a guy… not appropriate!!! But what’s more inappropriate is that this guy seem to have the same body type as my not-so-ex-husband. Tall, lean, tall… haha!

Duh. Enough! It’s past 1am. I feel like a giddy girl, and it’s definitely past my bedtime.

Student again

Just a few weeks back I was telling myself I don’t want to be doing student stuff ever again. But now, I have just submitted an 11-page paper about organizational problems which I did in 8 straight hours! Damn. I was so intent in making a good paper I ended up making it more complicated than I wanted it to be and in the end I just struggled to make it coherent. Whew. Eight hours is a long time being in front of your laptop. And just when i finished (I think I am one of the few who reached the 3000-word minimum) and I thought I was finally going to rest…then…I couldn’t sleep. Tsada! The wonders of my life.

And since lying in bed and thinking of my not-so-ex-husband and his first-degree cousin mistress is not my most favorite thing in the world, i decide to, yet again, face my laptop and type some more. Sigh.

It was a long day, indeed. And I should be sleeping. But I am tired of fighting monsters in my head, I just want to rant online to no one in particular because I know nobody really reads this anyway. This activity can be somewhat freeing. It is like shouting directly to space all your thoughts and fears and sh*t without the rest of the world really noticing.

Anyway, I miss writing papers. Good papers, that is. I used to go to one of the best, maybe even the best university in the country. And there we did papers the right way—no plagiarism, and those were papers with sense. Then I went to another school for my medical degree, where, though medical education was good, paper making was not. I got lousy at it, same with the rest of the students. But today I proved to myself that somehow the things I have learned from college are still deep within me.

Doesn’t mean though that my teachers will give me a high grade for that paper I just made. For the effort, certainly. Haha! But, for the content…I can only hope. Hopefully, we have the same way of looking at things.

The bottom line of all this, I now have an inspiration to do better than what is standard. I used to be that person who would just care to get a passing grade or to just be in the minimum of things… Now, I want to actually strive for something better than what is “okay”. If I have the chance to reach the top, why not! And of course, there’s no other person in this world who can inspire me as I am inspired now, except for my little man! He makes me a better person. And I am very thankful for that.

sunny Sunday

sunny Sunday

left: when we first arrived here. it was so foggy and cold
right: sunny Sunday today!

I’ve been here more than a week, and for the first time the sun came out. i am so glad for it. but then again, i am not exactly feeling well, i have been having some tummy problems these past days, so i spent our first “free” day in bed. i was really tempted to have a swim at the the hotel’s pool (the weather was perfect for it) but then my girl friends here weren’t into it…so there, i spent the day in bed, going out of our room only for meals. what a waste of a perfect day.

i do wish that next weekend when my little boy is here, the sun would be as gracious as it was today. i really miss him. we had a little chat via skype earlier and it struck me how much he looks like his dad. i don’t know if i should be mad at that or just be glad that he is actually a good looking fellow. harhar.

hopefully tomorrow is another sunny day. 🙂

feeling helpless but not hopeless

There was a time last year when i had to leave my son in the care of my parents and a nanny for a few months. That was a time when i really needed to concentrate on something, and everybody thought that that was the best set up for all of us. Oh well, it may have been, but now…that decision is breaking my heart.

Have you ever felt jealous of your nanny? or your own mother? Because your child calls on to them (instead of you) whenever he/she feels pain or is afraid or is sick.

I have, several times.

And today, too.

My little boy has been having cough for 2 days now. He’s on medication, but there’s still no improvement. Earlier, he was having a bout of coughing and of course, he calls his nanny. I was there, but he clings to his nanny. I don’t hate her, and i am not mad at my boy. She makes him happy and comfortable, and that is all that really matters. But i am mad at myself. And more than once, it has made me feel inadequate.

I know i should be better than this. After all the struggles i’ve had with the father of this boy, i have learned to be stronger. I just wish i had more time with him so that we can have a special bond, too. I feel helpless but not hopeless. His nanny tells me sometimes that when i am away, like when i see patients, he would look for me. Things like that make me feel that somehow maybe i am also important to him.

Speaking of time, i will be leaving yet again this friday for a conference and that’ll be for more than a week. I’ll be missing him.

But for now, i just hope he gets better soon.