“There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family.” – Nicole Kidman
I read this somewhere in the net, and I can’t help but agree to it. So I posted it in my facebook timeline, like I usually do with other good lines I see here and there. After a few hours, several people have liked it. And with each like my post got, the enormity of the situation I am in – that is, being a single mom – just hits me heavier and heavier. Suddenly I find myself crying and – guess what – wanting to be wrapped in that big hug my ex used to give me before. Him of all people, because he is supposed to be my co-parent, he did promise to “protect” us.
I am an only child, I pretty much grew up alone and independently, not having to care about anyone else. But having a child just changes that. Someone is entirely dependent on me. When he left me, when he said he didn’t love me anymore, when I found out he was cheating, all that I was feeling then were the pain, the frustrations, the hate, the shame. Then when I was starting to get back up, when I was happy again, all I was thinking was I can do this, I am strong enough, I have always been alone anyway- raising a child alone should be within my capabilities.
Then tonight and that line. And the truth behind it. The truth around it.
That enormous amount I need to give up, have given up, will be giving up…………. and I am scared. What if I can’t do it?
Of course, someday when my anger has subsided and I can face him again, we will co-parent. But right now, at this very moment, I am so scared. And I can’t help but find myself wanting him here with me, reassuring me that things will be okay, because “he will protect us”.
So, since he is but a bag of lies and immaturity….I pray to God. And I pray not for Him to make my life easy, but that I will have enough strength to face the future with my head held high and my dignity intact, that I do not forget the lessons I have learned last year and early this year, that I will have the guidance of my elders when it comes to raising my son, that I stop resenting my ex. All of this really is all up to HIM.
There…..I feel better. I can go back to watching Project Runway finale. 🙂