feeling helpless but not hopeless

There was a time last year when i had to leave my son in the care of my parents and a nanny for a few months. That was a time when i really needed to concentrate on something, and everybody thought that that was the best set up for all of us. Oh well, it may have been, but now…that decision is breaking my heart.

Have you ever felt jealous of your nanny? or your own mother? Because your child calls on to them (instead of you) whenever he/she feels pain or is afraid or is sick.

I have, several times.

And today, too.

My little boy has been having cough for 2 days now. He’s on medication, but there’s still no improvement. Earlier, he was having a bout of coughing and of course, he calls his nanny. I was there, but he clings to his nanny. I don’t hate her, and i am not mad at my boy. She makes him happy and comfortable, and that is all that really matters. But i am mad at myself. And more than once, it has made me feel inadequate.

I know i should be better than this. After all the struggles i’ve had with the father of this boy, i have learned to be stronger. I just wish i had more time with him so that we can have a special bond, too. I feel helpless but not hopeless. His nanny tells me sometimes that when i am away, like when i see patients, he would look for me. Things like that make me feel that somehow maybe i am also important to him.

Speaking of time, i will be leaving yet again this friday for a conference and that’ll be for more than a week. I’ll be missing him.

But for now, i just hope he gets better soon.

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