Expectations & Scribbles

It’s one of those days…

How does one NOT expect anything from people? I mean, when people ask me for favors, somehow it automatically registers to my brain that when that time comes I would be the one in need for help, they would also WILLINGLY and GLADLY (because that is how I feel every time I do favors for them) help me out. Especially if these are people I actually consider as GOOD friends. But of course they don’t.

Sigh. It’s annoying and frustrating.

And of course, I have been well taught by my ex husband not to count the favors/things I have done for him because then I would be BAD. That I was not really giving with an open heart… that I am the one who is at fault. Now, every time I start thinking about all the things I have done for these people, I automatically think that I am bad, that it is my fault…I should just shut up. (IKR, I have been brain washed!)

Then I think, maybe ex husband was right? I kinda read it somewhere that the Bible says we should just give and give and not expect anything in return, or something like that. Then therefore, I am bad???

Damn, I am damaged goods.

Whew.

So I was contemplating these thoughts while filling up IMPORTANT papers for work, while my little man was happily playing with the iPad (yes, I let him tinker with it this time because I needed him busy with something while I was busy with the IMPORTANT papers)….ThenI felt like having a cup of coffee. So I left the room, made myself a cup of coffee, went back in……to find him SCRIBBLING ON MY IMPORTANT PAPERS!!!

Damn, it’s one of those days!

And I lost it. I said a swear word in front of him…probably to him (oh I am so sorry!). Just one. But I shouted it. 😦

I am not perfect. and so are my friends. and so is my son. <—-That’s the realization.

To forgive and forgive. To give and to give. To not be disappointed when people disappoint. To just smile despite the anger welling up inside. To smile and love life despite the injustices of this world.

*Heavy*

And to not, never again, swear that bad in front of my kid.

What a day!

 

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