Should I Be Impressed?

After that short secret rendezvous with Mr. Banker where ALL WE DID WAS TALK, by the way, we have both decided it’s time to not keep our “friendship” a secret anymore. At least not to my parents. So he visited me at home last night. 🙂 I felt like a high school girl who is entertaining suitors at home because her mommy will get mad if she does the entertaining outside of the house. Hahaha!

But I felt glad that this man is willing to go traditional for me. Although I am still so very much aware of our status, which is that we are nothing but FRIENDS. And by my demands, there should NOT be any benefits. Although he was able to hold my hand the last time we were together, after a lot of coaxing… hahaha!

So, should I be impressed? Is this man for keeps? Or is he just like all other guys, in pursuit of that one thing, after which they all just lose interest in you…?


Selfish Thoughts

Should I let him go?

…while it is still early…

Because if he falls in love with me then there will definitely be more pain. For him.

I know I won’t fall so easily. Not while I still hate the ex. They say while there is hate and anger, there is still love. So I know the ex can still hurt me. I will still cry for him sometime. He will still matter. And so am I so bad to let the new one stay even if I know I couldn’t give him anything more than just friendship?

But the new one makes me smile. I always wait for his messages. I constantly wish we could spend time together, just to talk and laugh. And my heart is broken knowing we can never really do that…even eat out or have a stroll…because when people see us, they might say nasty things again.

I don’t love him. Maybe I am infatuated. More of the thought that there is someone who treats you nicely.

I have told the new one already we can not be more than friends. But he decided to stay…even if friendship and texting is all he gets. I won’t deny I was so glad he chose to stay.

But should I let him stay? because a part of me is saying I am being selfish. Because in the future I might end up hurting him more. Because in the future I might end up hurting for him, too.


And It Gets Complicated

Okay, the banker and I are getting to know each other. Obviously, he wants to court me, but I have made it perfectly clear to him that we can’t be more than just friends. So, he says, he’s okay with friends.

And because my still-married status is becoming more glaring to me…I don’t allow us to eat out without a “chaperone”. I can already imagine my ex accusing me of adultery (although it would take more than just dinners and dates for him to actually file a case against me). It’s just that I don’t want any more scandal and rumors and accusations… I just want to be happy.

So, here…I find myself starting to like him. Demit. I know I shouldn’t let myself get too involved emotionally. Especially not when it’s still so complicated. But, what with the loneliness in this small town…and friends are scarce… Sigh.

And so it gets complicated…for me..emotionally. He is always there–in my mind and in my phone–and I don’t think I want to remove him from either of those areas yet. And of course, ex husband will arrive next month, and surely there will be more emotional struggles to come between the two of us (we separated angry at each other last year), plus the issue of the child support and visitations.

I have always been told to be an intelligent girl…honor student, bookworm, doctor… But when it comes to love and relationships….damn it, I think I am such a failure. 😦

Sadly, is “Growing Old Together” a Thing of the Past?

One of my close friends, whom I haven’t been in contact with for a while now, suddenly texts me asking who my lawyer is… That question felt so heavy, I suddenly felt so sad, without knowing what the reason for the sudden message.

So, I asked her…and she told me she is tired of fighting, that I know her to be someone who doesn’t need anyone, and that it would be better to be alone than be in a relationship that is just so full of fights. Obviously, they’re not okay. But I never got to ask her what the reason of the fights are. As much as I wanted to call her I know I would just annoy her by asking to many questions.

Well, I did give her the number of my lawyer, but I told her, too, to be sure about her decision. Because I know that the early part of marriages will always be about adjusting, and fights and misunderstandings are a normal and necessary thing. That she needs to think hard and deep for her daughter (an adorable 1 year old).

Actually, for some time in the past, I was envious of her…somehow…because they seem to be such a happy couple, while I have been replaced by another woman. But after all the understanding that came along with the moving on process, I felt the happiness for her marriage. Now though, I really feel so sad. People like me need hope from happy couples. Happy couples obviously have problems, too, but they stay together, they stay strong. With this sad news, I am asking myself, is their hope for marriage in our age now? Or is the concept of “growing old together” a thing of the past?

I still want to hope. 🙂